Got the Ring, Now What?

Ask and ye shall recieve

2008-05-14T10:42:00.003-04:00

Tom Biro even made up a word to title this blog and website for all things groom related to weddings and marriage. Here is the explination from his site:

Groomify was founded in March of 2008 and helmed by Tom Biro. It was created after Tom found that while there were tons of wedding-related sites on the Internet, pretty much none of them really catered to guys. Some had guy “options,” others offered the same content it did for brides with a different “skin,” but none really focused on the details that would be of interest to the groom - hence the “groomify” name.

I like this site. It is slick and new and nice and filled with semi-useful and very sarcastic stuff. I am sure I will be linking to it in the future.

Gifts, Stress and the Environment

2008-05-01T14:46:00.006-04:00

Getting married can be stressful, but you do tend to get gifts that are wrapped in bubble wrap. Popping that stuff is great fun and a wonderful stress reliever. However for the environmentally aware among us, this website may just be the fix for you. Pop as much as you want without increasing your carbon foot print!

Bubble Wrap Fun

Holy Next Steps

2008-04-29T14:35:00.002-04:00

Over the past few months, I have learned a few things about being engaged:

People expect you to know everything about getting married.
Wedding TV makes me both excited and terrified all at the same time.
Having a rabbi and some guidance makes life a whole lot easier.

Abby and I met at Jewish summer camp in Texas. We were on senior staff and became best friends. We would talk and deal with life and work and all that stuff that needs to be taken care of on a day-to-day basis at a camp. This friendship built the foundation for a life of happiness. (Queue music)

But Jewish summer camp simulates living in a self-contained and sustained Jewish community complete with prayer, education, and events around holidays that flow perfectly into a day of activities and fun. This would be impossible without rabbis who “get camp.” There are wonderful rabbis out there who can preach, teach and write, but when they come to camp they don’t quite get it. There are others who feel and live camp and our rabbi from camp totally got it. Thankfully he has agreed to officiate our wedding.

During our time on staff at camp, RAGK (an acronym for anonymity) was there for Abby and me. We needed council, needed teachers, and needed a friend during the eight weeks of camp, and he always had time for those “rabbi things” all while getting camp. RAGK understood his role as a leader of this self-contained and sustained community. He helped us develop into better people and in turn made it possible for us to develop our relationship.

Working in the organized Jewish community I find that people take on the responsibility of being a rabbi for many reasons. My favorite reason why people take on this responsibility has to do with my favorite aspect of Jewish life: the Life itself. Judaism is a religion, a culture. It is food, holidays and family. In my opinion, Judaism is centered on life-cycle celebrations. (Mind you, food is always involved.) Rabbis who live to be part of this cycle with family, friends and community members tend to “get it.”

Perhaps that is why I love camp so much: it is about a cycle of learning and fun. A place were it is safe to wear T-shirts, shorts and dirty sneakers and have the love of your life dump a bottle of water on your head on your way to a staff meeting all while singing silly, nonsense songs. It is a place where order is just part of life; it isn’t something that can or must happen. It just always does, and does so with a special camp holiness that is found no where else on earth.*

So it is with Jewish life. A great leader makes the celebrations holy, the mundane conversations about “what’s next” seem important and sadness of loss an important and sacred part of Jewish life. RAGK does this well. He gets it. And I know that both Abby and I are very happy he will be part of our wedding.

*As a former member of the Admin Staff at camp I know that a ton of work takes place for it “just to happen.” But role with me on this one for a second.

Big Words and Big Trucks

2008-02-19T17:31:00.002-05:00

Mekhutunim (mekh∙oo∙to'∙nim – noun – plural) Relatives via-marriage once removed but still very connected and involved, in-laws. Used in sentence: My parents are Abby’s parents Mekhutunim. (It is just so much easier to use the Yiddish.)

Every wedding movie ever made strikes fear into the heart of the groom-to-be. Outside of the painstaking preparation, trans-continental travel and any number of other issues scripted to make my blood-pressure rise, these motion pictures present horrific images of controlling mother-in-laws and demanding father-in-laws. However in my experience this couldn’t be further from the truth. And it seems that I am not alone.

Doug Gordon, whose book I finished on the airplane this weekend, also seems to feel the same way. Many of my friends who have been married talk about the role that their in-laws played in making the celebration of a lifetime more enjoyable and less complicated. I believe it is time to stop perpetuating these stereotypes and start creating some new ones.

Living on the East or West Coast for my entire life, my only experience with custom cars was on NPR’s Car Talk. Enjoying the thick accents and funny stories, I learned a thing or two about maintenance and what a big engine does outside of Freudian understanding of things that go boom. But this weekend, while planning the wedding in Tulsa that all changed.

After spending much of the morning running around in the pouring rain tasting cake, visiting venues and flipping through thousands of invitations, Abby and her mom went dress shopping and Abby’s dad and I went to the Custom Car Show and Monster Truck Rally.

In light of the absolutely ridiculous atmosphere and the hearty laughs at expense of others (and me) we had a really good time. The cars were artistic and beautiful, the people were artistic(ly dressed and tattooed), and the Monster Trucks were the loudest things I have ever heard. I believe our ears were ringing for hours after we left the Expo Center.

This was one of the top five most random events in my life. But looking back on it, this kind of craziness is exactly the kind of levity that is needed when planning a major event like a wedding. I am sure if presented with an option - like a Monster Truck rally - my dad and I would make many of the same really bad jokes that Dave and I made during our tour of the hot rods and tricked-out motorcycles.

It isn’t surprising that movies don’t depict reality, but there are only so many weddings that a guy gets an inside track on planning; but there are millions of bad movies filled frightening images of the in-laws. In this case the only art that was imitating life was air brushed onto the tail of a ’57 Bellair. It is events like the Car Show and Monster Truck Rally when words that can explain entire relationships and all their intricacies are very useful.

However most of the people who took in the Car Show this past weekend probably believe Mekhutunim are parts of an import engine.

Colder in NYC than Anchorage

2008-02-12T15:26:00.000-05:00

As a man I am obligated to pretend I know much more about everything than I really do. My mother gave my father an anniversary card that has become a staple in our understanding of the role of the man of the house. This card has a black and white photo of an older man and woman standing at a cliff. Pointing at a bluff he explains the geological term for the bluff is a “stickout.” The inside of the card says something to the effect of thank you for teaching me so much about the world throughout our lives together. The tone, sarcastic.

My father and I make stickouts all of the time. We explain why world gets bigger after it rains (one of my father’s greatest hits), we make up reasons why the lights flicker when we vacuum and other such non-sense. Predicting the weather and why it will be as such falls completely under our jurisdiction.

On the treadmill this morning I noticed that the low in Anchorage, Alaska was projected at 23 F. The projected high for New York City was 30 F. There is something fundamentally wrong with that statement. However it got me to wondering whether weather is going to be a major issue for our wedding.

We have not yet decided on an exact date, but the location is set for Tulsa in the spring of ‘09. For those of you who do not know, Tulsa is in Oklahoma. For those of you who only know the musical, Oklahoma is located in the dead center of the United States. There is some interesting weather in the dead center of the United States during the spring.

Therefore I will make my sound (stickout) prediction of the weather. We will have beautiful sunny skies, low humidity and a slight breeze. My mother has a Yiddish saying: Iss the yontiff noch so klein, hapt de Juden sonneshein; it translates loosely to if there is a festive occasion, our people will have sunshine. So based on my vast knowledge of stickout meteorology and a generations old proverb, we will have great weather…

Before the Now What

2008-02-05T11:49:00.000-05:00

“For the men reading your blog out there, maybe you could write about how you picked the ring, how you got her size etc? I know this baffles most men and it looks like you did a pretty good job...”

This jewel of a suggestion came from a friend earlier today. I never thought of this as an issue. But I guess many of us guys have very little idea what our woman really wants in an engagement ring.

The best way to know what she wants is to talk about it. I know a few guys who went without talking to their girlfriends to buy rings and got mini-bracelets because they had no idea of the size. I also know some guys who got rings that were beautiful, but just not what their future wife was looking for in a ring. I knew what Abby wanted because we talked about it.

We are both fairly simple people (in terms of style, we are fairly complicated otherwise). As Abby looked through magazines and the like, she would point out similar pieces over and over again. I began to notice a trend, made a mental note and got her the ring she wanted.

Size is a completely different conversation. I personally took the ring she usually wore on her left ring finger, put it on my pinky and used a pen to measure where the ring fit. At the jewelry story, I put the engagement ring on my pinky and repeated. I was lucky and the ring fit if a bit snug…which I am happy about in that it won’t fall off. Other people bring home the sizing rings that stores have and slip the rings on thier girlfriends during the night. Another good way is to ask...that way you take the guess work out.

As for the actual ask, make sure you surprise her regarding the timing, but not the question. I personally believe that you must have the conversation about getting married in a non-emotional and calm situation. A diamond ring on the table tends not to be a non-emotional and calm situation.

But this like all other aspects of an engagement seems to work a lot better if you talk about it. As to the diamonds and the SI and VS and Brilliance and all that, you are on your own.

Three out of Five

2008-01-30T00:04:00.000-05:00

I have discussed in previous posts that as the groom is allowed five things to request and receive in the wedding. As of now, I have three of my five things.

1. I want to share a traditional Jewish wedding ring with Abby. Jewish tradition says that a ring should be a simple circular ring without stones or uneven ridges. This symbolizes the union between the man and the woman and the circle they complete. I like the idea of that, so I will stick up for that one.
2. On another Jewish note, I want no shellfish or pork served during the reception. Not a big request but I feel like it is right to present a Jewish experience during a Jewish celebration.
3. I will wear a bow tie. That is non-negotiable.

I only have three and will most likely have more than five. I am hoping that a few of the things I really care about will also be on Abby's list.

Mixing it Up

2008-01-25T12:39:00.000-05:00

For my 25th birthday, my parents sent me one of the coolest toys ever: An Artisan Stand Mixer by KitchenAid. I love this thing. I have wanted one for a long time and mentioned it was the only thing I wanted to register for as a wedding gift. Now that I have it, I intend to bake bread, make frosting, cookies from scratch and delicious whipped cream on a regular basis.

In my eyes, this piece of equipment marks my entrance into true adult society. Like the fountain pen to the pre-digital-age-adolescent, this stand mixer is the bar mitzvah gift of the active cook. It also means I have a lot less room in my kitchen. But I couldn’t be happier about this "thing."

People are endlessly looking for the best "thing" to get couples for the wedding. (If you are looking for me you can check out the wonderful attachments that can be used with my fantastic Artisan Stand Mixer by KitchenAid, most notably the pasta tools.) However there is a lack of creativity and lack of acceptance there of by the wedding world.

On Doug Gordon’s blog there is much discussion about getting registered and the hell it raises. Granted we have not yet done this, but clearly we have talked about it. What could be cooler than running around a big store shopping for stuff people will give you? I think it is pretty cool. However it seems to be stressor in that such a ridged set of gifts is expected to appear on one’s registry list.

There is a lot that should be stressful about a ceremony that everyone expects to be perfect; that is a given. However the gift giving shouldn’t be. I have picked up a few rules along the way regarding these gift stress issues. In a class taught by a brilliant writer and somewhat fanatical caffeine-free soda drinker, I read a top ten list of what to do as a wedding guest. One of them was to buy off the registry. Given the amount of time and agony that people go to to pick out the prefect champagne flutes, you can do them a favor and get the flutes. (Did I mention the pasta tools?)

While there are always alternative gifts, like donations in the name of the new family or planting trees in the rain forest, you should know for sure that the couple wants that first. There is also the donation to Marriage Equality organizations. I strongly support such efforts and believe it to be a powerful statement of celebration. But again, it seems prudent to know both the bride and groom’s wishes. Even the most socially conscious couple may really want pasta tools for a wedding present.

Looking at these gifts lists often you find the same stuff over and over. I understand that most couples in the past didn’t live together and didn’t have a set of silver wear, but there is no energy is such a selection today. Now people tend to live together for some time and if they don’t they also tend to have at least a decent set of forks, knives and spoons. I do wonder, as every other aspect of the wedding has been updated for the 21st Century, why it is still expected to register for housewares.

Regardless, I am very excited and have little-to-no stress about this part of the process. Partly because I already have everything I wanted! (Yes I mean Abby…but the mixer is fun too)

Another Bride

2008-01-21T12:40:00.001-05:00

Before you start telling Abby to call off the engagement because of "another bride" take a quick look at my piece on the Shabbat Blog on "Welcoming the Bride."

Sure, Sounds Great

2008-01-20T18:37:00.001-05:00

Opinion isn’t something that I am short on. However, tradition deems my opinion a side note on our wedding. I am ok with most of that and will stand up for what every one of my married friends says are the “five things that you really care about.” However what about the stuff that I really don’t have an opinion about?

Abby and I have discussed that if I don’t care most likely I will give a “sure, sounds great” and continue doing what I was doing. However she says (and rightly so) that even on things that I say I don’t care about I have an opinion.

One thing that Abby has been talking about even before we thought to get engaged was the cake. This clearly is on her top five and really she gets more than five. But I have made the mistake of “of course that is fine-ing” and then making some “requests” regarding this aspect of the wedding.

I see this as a learning experience. Doug Gordon, author of the only book that even pretends to be for the non-stupid groom-to-be (while it is yet to be determined if he is writing the book for a moron or not) says that the groom has long been told that his role is to be minimal but that is no longer the case. However it doesn’t explain when his role should be to keep his mouth shut even if he is to be engaged. But I still have more to read.

I suppose I have to figure out what my top five will be and stick to them…

New Name, New-Name or Newname

2008-01-17T22:24:00.000-05:00

Everyone who interacts with my family gets a name. My mother’s friend Brenda is “Brenda My Friend from the Gym.” However since she moved and no longer attends the gym her name has been amended to “Brenda My Friend from the Gym who isn’t from the Gym anymore.” Being such a formal family, we always refer to people by their full names. We have other names for other people; the names are given with love. But I digress.

When I was home talking with the parental units about asking my lovely fiancée to marry me, my mom said that her eye doctor (whose real name is “Dr. Boyfriend”) mentioned that when the kids get married they get a new boss. While I can grasp the concept, I never understood the marriage to be about hierarchy but rather a partnership. Just look at my name…Cohen-Cutler.

My parents choose to utilize their last name to make a statement of equality. Andrew Silow-Carroll, editor of New Jersey Jewish News, wrote a very interesting column in response to people busting on his name. But his humorous introductory sentences speak to my naming dilemma.

My wife and I took each other’s last names as a message to our children — the message is that we hate them and don’t care what happens when they get married. I kid, but I’m the first to admit we’ve handed our children a challenge.

What am I supposed to do here? Both Abby and I have expressed strong feelings on what “should” happen to a last name when a person gets married to another. If we were to follow the lead of my parents, we would take three names or would we also add Abby’s mother’s maiden name as well to get fair and balanced representation of our entire family…it would be messy. Do we take the “traditional” approach and have Abby simply take my pre-fab hyphenated name? But there isn’t anything traditional in doing that... Do we not change anything?

While we can appropriately name all of the people we meet, this has been extremely difficult. How do we satisfy our desire to be traditional as well as respect the progress represented in my side of the family’s choice? In any partnership both sides must make compromise. My hyphen is as much part of identity as other part of my name, however after a long, complicated conversation we came to a perfect— in our opinion— compromise.

As we start our own family we will change around a lot but the name will only be one symbol shorter. We will become Mr. and Mrs. Cohencutler. At least one thing is already figured out.

So Now What?

2008-01-16T09:55:00.000-05:00

I got the ring. I gave it to her. She said yes…now what? While there is a ton of information out there about the wedding, the party and dress, there is very little out there about what the guy should be doing. Doug Gordon, of PlanetGordon.com and The Engaged Groom, seem to be the only person to chronicle this journey into the unknown from a man’s perspective. Even his links on PlanetGordon.com don’t lead to another like-chromosomed individuals showing the neophyte male fiancée the ropes. (Note: The book and the blog are on the reading list; I will review and use these resources as a guide for my trip to matrimony.)

Perhaps this will be interesting, perhaps it will be useful. All I know is that it will give me a place to hopefully get some of my experiences out there to help out other guys who have no idea what they are supposed to do after their future wives say yes.